The Art of Starting Over

Devorah ran out of steam before the wake was over. She was past the point of exhaustion. Her emotions were all over the place, and she was tired of Chad hovering over her. The fact that he was even there grated on what nerves she had left. But she couldn’t very well toss him out on his cheating ass. Not with Maren there. Even though that was exactly what Devorah wanted to do.

Growing up, she’d always loved her name, even though she couldn’t buy already-monogrammed items at the store, like notebooks, pencils, and a slew of other things. None of the material things mattered because everyone knew her name. And when they mispronounced it, which was easy to do, she calmly corrected them by saying, “It’s Debra but with a v.”

Now, when Chad said her name, her blood boiled and her skin itched. Violence flashed through her mind, images of her hands around his neck and her violently shaking him until he stopped talking. That was all she wanted, for him to shut his mouth so she could think, and for him to stop the incessant “Things will be better” line he said every ten seconds.

Nothing would be better with her father gone. Not a single thing. He was the glue that held them all together, whether Crow knew it or not. He was the one Devy had turned to after her husband betrayed her, even though they had a rocky relationship. Crow was there when she needed him the most.

Devorah stood in the middle of the living room. Crow’s recliner sat there, worn out by age and use. From there, she could see the dining room table. Every square inch of the mahogany wood had a vase of flowers on it. The strong and sometimes pungent odor of flowers permeated throughout the house and made the place smell like a funeral home. She wanted them gone and didn’t care where they went.

Without even going into the kitchen, she knew what she’d find—food. More food than they could eat. This death was different from her mother’s. Crow was different. He had touched so many lives. Both good and bad. People would miss him. The community would mourn and honor him the best they could.

Devorah longed for one more day with him. Just one more hug. Just one more time hearing him tell her he loved her. Just as she had when her mother died. That was all she’d wanted when she was younger, one more moment with her mom, to ask her every important question she could think of about becoming and being a woman.

Was that too much to ask?

It seemed it was.

The front door opened. Devorah wiped at an errant tear and turned to face her soon-to-be ex-husband and her daughter. Maren rushed to her mom and wrapped her arms around her. Dev patted her hair down and then bent to kiss the top of Maren’s head.

“Hey, why don’t you take Cordelia upstairs or go outside and play?”

“I want to stay with you and Daddy.”

“I know, but right now, your dad and I need to talk.”

“Adult stuff?”

Dev nodded, and Maren rolled her eyes. She let go of her mom and crossed her arms, letting out a huff. “I can’t wait until I’m an adult, and then I can have adult conversations.”

“Oh, how I wish I could’ve recorded you saying as such so I can remind you of it later,” Devorah said. She touched the tip of her index finger to Maren’s nose. “Go let your imagination run wild in the back. I’ll be out in a minute.”

Devy watched her daughter go to Chad and then head into the kitchen, with the dog following behind. She waited for the door to close before she opened her mouth.

“You need to go. I don’t know why you’re here, anyway. It’s not like you were close to my father.”

“Devorah,” he said as he moved toward her. “Tremaine was my father-in-law. Of course I’d be here for you and Maren.”

“Crow,” Dev said quietly.

“What about him?”

“That was his name. No one ever called him Tremaine. Especially his friends.”

“Crow’s a silly old nickname.”

“Not to him, Chad. It was his name, and as his son-in-law, you should’ve known that. But the truth is, you didn’t, because he didn’t like you, and he wouldn’t want you in his home.”

“Devorah . . .”

“Stop saying my name. You give me the ick when you say it.”

“All right. What do you want me to call you?”

“I don’t. I want you to go.”

“Not until we talk.”

“We have nothing to talk about.” She wanted a glass of water but didn’t want Maren to hear them talking. Knowing her daughter, she would be sitting under the window, trying to listen. Devy held her hand to her forehead and sighed. “Please just go.”

“Listen,” Chad said as he walked closer to her. “I know I did some things—”

The way he said “things” had Dev laughing.

“And I’m paying the price by my family packing their things and coming out here to stay.”

“Are you kidding me right now?”

Chad shook his head. “Have you ever known me to joke about my family?”

Devorah stared at him for a long time.

“Yes, actually, when you cheated on me with Ester. No, I take that back. My father said you shit on your family.”noveldrama

“I made a mistake,” Chad said, pleadingly. He clasped his hands together, as if he was about to pray, when in reality he was begging. “I regret everything that’s happened, and I’m sorry. Can we please sit down and talk?”

She shook her head but sat in Crow’s recliner anyway. Chad sat across from her, perched on the edge of the couch as if he was going to make a run for it.

“Talk,” she said.

“When I got the papers . . .” He paused. “It was like an anvil had been set on my chest. We had the perfect life, and then—”

“You slept with my best friend, and then you told me you were moving in together.”

Chad hung his head. “Regardless, when I saw those papers, I realized this wasn’t what I wanted, and I knew I had to make a change.”

“And Crow’s death just happened to be your light bulb moment?”

“Is there a more perfect time to bring your family home?”

“Excuse me?”

“Come on, Devorah. You can’t honestly tell me you plan to stay here.”

She nodded, and he stood.

“And do what? Bartend at the Lazy Lamb?”

“It’s better than being the laughingstock of the PTA, Chad. How can you expect me to show my face there, huh? After what you did.”

“Because it’s better than living in this time-forgotten town.”

“No, it’s really not.”

“I didn’t want to do this, but you’re leaving me no choice. You and Maren are coming back to Chicago with me. We’ll be a family again, go to counseling. We’ll work on our marriage.”

“The hell we will,” she said. “To all of it. I’m not leaving Oyster Bay, and neither is Maren. We’re happy here. She’s thriving—”

“Is she?” he asked with a tilt of his head. “She tells me otherwise.”

Dev scoffed. “No, Chad. It’s because you tell her otherwise. You twist and turn words to suit your narrative. Not mine. Not hers. Maren is happy.” She stressed the word “happy,” hoping he would finally understand. “She loves it here and talks about the future. She’s an integral part of a baseball team, and her grades are stellar. Maren matters here.

“The only time she talks about going back to Chicago is when you call. That’s it. She never mentions it because it’s not what she wants. Sure, she’ll tell you this now because she’s nine and wants her parents to be together. It’s what every kid her age wants.

“But do you honestly think I’d take her back there so people can point fingers at her? Everyone knows what you did, Chad. It’s not a secret. It’s not something we can sweep under the rug. Do you really want her going to school with Rita? And having their classmates point fingers at them?”

Devorah got up and paced. She finally went into the kitchen, looked out the window, and saw her daughter on the tire swing Crow had put up for Maren just days ago.

Her father. His voice rang out in her head: Stand up for yourself, Devorah. She fought back a wave of tears. Crow hadn’t been gone long, and she missed him fiercely. There was no way she was going to let him down now. She took a centering breath and pushed away the tears. Chad would think they were for him. He hadn’t earned any more of her tears, and she’d be damned if she was going to let him see her cry.

After drinking a glass of water, she went back into the other room with her head held high.

“Sign the papers, Chad.”

“Devorah.”

She shook her head. “I’m not leaving here, and neither is Maren. I don’t care if I’ve been here three minutes, three months, or three years. This is our home, and this is where we’re staying.”

“So that’s it, huh? I just leave my family behind?”

Dev pinched the bridge of her nose momentarily and then looked at her ex. “You left us behind the minute you thought about sleeping with Ester. The second the thought entered your mind, you should’ve reminded yourself of your vows. But you didn’t. We didn’t matter then, and we don’t matter now.”

“That’s not true.”

Devorah had had enough. She went to her purse and pulled out her phone, ignoring the slew of text messages and missed calls. She opened the video app, went to Ester’s username, and pressed the first video there, posted two days ago. Dev pressed play, then turned the phone around to show Chad. Someone had sent it to her the other day. That someone, she was sure of, was Ester.

The video showed Chad walking to his car with his overnight bag, and Ester talking:

“Babe, where are you going?”

“To a funeral.”

“Whose?”

Chad shook his head as he stared at Devorah. “Turn it off.”

“No, I want you to watch and tell me why in the hell you think I should go back there and subject myself to this. Subject our daughter to this?”

“My former pain-in-the-ass father-in-law.” Chad’s voice rang out.

“Sounds like a waste of time.”

“Thank God I can’t see you kissing her. The sound effects are enough,” Dev said as she continued to hold her phone out and glare at Chad.

“Hurry back. My kitty will miss you.”

The video went blank and restarted.

“Two days ago, Chad. And here you sit, telling me how you made a mistake and want to be a family.”

“Devorah . . .”

“Are you still sleeping with her? Living with her?”

Chad’s silence was deafening.

“You disgust me, Chad. My life with you has been nothing but a lie.” She shook her head. “I want you to sign the papers and leave. Maren stays here. I will fight you with everything I have, and believe me, it’s a lot more than you’ve given me credit for.”

“You’re making a mistake.”

“Oh well. At least it’ll be my mistake. One I can live with and won’t be judged for.”

Chad went to his bag and pulled out the papers. He handed them to Dev.

“You already signed them?”

He nodded. “I had to try.”

“And you failed,” she told him.

He went upstairs to Maren’s room to get his things. While he was up there, Devorah went to the back door. She opened it and found Maren still on the swing and Cordelia lying on the ground, watching her every move.

“Are you done having adult conversations?”

Dev nodded. “I am. I don’t plan to have another one for a very long time.”

“Phew,” Maren said as she came toward the house. “Maybe I don’t want to have them when I’m older. They take forever.”

Dev held out her hand for her daughter and pulled her in for a hug. “Never grow up,” she told Maren. “It’s a trap.”

Inside, Maren saw Chad’s bag by the door. “Are we leaving?”

“No, just your dad.”

“What? No. He said we were going back to Chicago.” Maren ran up the stairs, yelling for her father. She returned, moments later, with her backpack. “Where is he?”

“I’m right here, Maren. What are you doing?”

“I’m going with you. Last night you said you were taking us home, that we belonged in Chicago.”

Chad looked up at Dev, who turned away. Would he tell her he was still with Ester?

“Look, sunshine. You’ll come back to Chicago soon. Once I get settled.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means Daddy’s going through some stuff right now.”

“With Ester? Are you living with her? I don’t want to live with her, Daddy.” Maren tugged on Chad’s shirt. “Please. You promised. You said we were going to be a family. You, me, and Mommy. You said.”

“I never said your mommy, princess. Me, you, Ester, and Rita.”

Devorah saw the realization in Maren’s face as she stepped back from her father. Her head shook slowly. “I hate you. I hate you,” she said as she hit him with her fist. “I hate Ester and Rita and you. I hate you so much.” She screamed the last one at him with tears streaming down her face. “You’re a liar and I hate you.”

Chad looked at Devorah. “A little help?”

She shook her head. “No. I’m not your savior, Chad. You did this. You broke her, but I’ll sure as hell fix her and give her the unconditional love she deserves without lying to her.”

Chad said nothing. He picked up his bag and headed out the door.

Maren stood in the hallway with her backpack on, sobbing. Divorce was hard on kids, only made worse when one of the parents had chosen a new family.